


You Will Not Have My Hate

by aikonokotoba



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-04 05:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12764160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aikonokotoba/pseuds/aikonokotoba
Summary: Figure Skating RPF - Alternate Universe.YuzuVier AU || Javier intends to join the cops team, as Yuzuru opposed it. Yuzuru knows that man couldn't make any promise to him as he joins the cops. But Javier promised him one thing; '... That you will not have my hate,' | Taken from 'You Will Not Have My Hate' originally published by aikonokotoba on wattpad.





	1. Compromise

**Author's Note:**

> Taken originally from my own fics in wattpad 'You Will Not Have My Hate' by aikonokotoba

"Are _you_ dead serious? Join that case?? Nope, I wouldn't allow you,"

Yuzuru throws himself on the couch, leaving Javier--the man on the middle of his explanations--hanging with his unfinished words.

"But you _joined_ the investigation team 3 months earlier. Are you leaving me? _We_ are not one team anymore?" Javi make one step closer towards the couch.  
"The investigation team is different. We're working _behind_ the case. But, you're joining the Evacuation Team. Is it something _comparable_ with my team?"  
  
Finally Javier erases their distance by sitting next to the younger one. "I just hate to be left behind,"  
" _Havi_ , you don't understand!" Yuzu facing the man next to him, "you could be _killed_ out there!"  
Javier makes a pause. He doesn't want this quarrel getting any worse than this.  
  
After facing the older man, Yuzu turns back. He gave Javier his cold shoulder.  
  
"This team _needs_ me," he began to speak again--hoping the other one understand.  
" _I_ need you, don't you think about that?!" Yuzu throws his unbelievable looks towards him.  
"This is where I _need_ you," He smiled, "you could protect me with your position,"  
"Are you trying to bargain _your life_ with this case?"  
  
Javier smiles. Bigger than before. He reaches out Yuzu's waist. Holding it, bring the smaller man's body into his figure, "I don't have the analytic skill like you have in the investigation team. I am just being _me_ , the guy who always works in the field to protect you,"  
"I can perfectly protect myself. Did you forget I was black-belted _karateka_?"  
"No, it's not that. I want to protect you what anything might harm you later,"  
  
Yuzu sigh in the next moment, " _Havi_ you know it's not easy to facing this case. As I worked for this case, it is one of the most difficult case I've ever work with. So that you know, I _don't_ want you to get down there,"  
"So that's why _I_ want to get down," Javi enclose his hands around Yuzu's waist-secretly hoping that younger man could agree towards his decisions, "we are protecting each other. You with your position behind the desk, and I am protecting you from the field," Javi explained with the biggest smile he has so Yuzuru could understand, and somehow that stone heart of his could be melted by his mere wish to have joined the Evac Team. 

He still couldn't buy it. Yuzu shook his head.   
Last try--"imagine, if something happened--let's say the Evacuation Team was failed and they're facing toward the HQ--toward you while I am not part of the team, and I couldn't protect you, how devastated I could be?"  
  
The younger turn his body facing Javier. A big sigh comes out his breath, he looked outside the window helplessly, "I just _hate_ the idea of you being injured......"  
"As long as to protect you, I would never apologize to you, not _once_ ," For a moment, they can't let their own egos loose for seconds.  
"I hate you," Yuzu squint his eyes. Unpleasant look he gave it to Javi.   
"But I can't hate you...."  
  
"See?! that's exactly what you will say," frustrated, Yuzu's expressions changing. Anger that can't be turned into words, bad feelings. The grunts of devastating.   
"I can't promise you I would not get hurt but... here's what I can promise," sloppily, he reach out for Yuzu's hands. He gathered them in one grasp, entwined their fingers into braid, "you will not have my hate, that is what I can promise to you," the looks Javier gave, grows unnamed emotional that spreading inside his vein. "Even if it turns out bad, out of predictions, and you will hate me because of not listening to you and joined the field team instead,...." Javi look deep into those dim stares in front of him, "I promise, I would not hate you,"  
  
Yuzu's shoulder relaxed as his sight looking calm. Smiling, Javier still buys his way toward Yuzu's smiles.  
"How can I hate you," Yuzu grasps Javier's hands, tightly closer it so there were not any gap between their fingers.  
  
"Come here, you" he opens his hand gather the smaller boy into his arms,"you will always have my words."


	2. With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> takes place a moment after chapter 1

“ _Havi_ ,…” with a small tug, Yuzu pulled the hands that holding his cellphone.  
“What?” having a total distraction from his news he is reading, Javier turns his sight to the man beside him.  
“It’s almost summer. Do _we_ have any plan to go out?”   
  
Javier wrinkled his forehead. Now he’s thinking about a total 5 days holiday. If he postponed it again, they’ll ended up going nowhere this year, and that could be a nightmare because both of their work such fuss to their mental health.  
“Where do you _want_ to go?” he asks Yuzu that still giving him unsure looks.  
“You choose, I don’t have any specific place. I have no idea,” he shrugs. A moment of silence left Javi and his brain worked while Yuzu sits beside him. Patiently waiting for their holiday assurance, so he could asks for leave to his office in the next day—or at least this week.  
  
“I’ve been dreaming to the South America,” Javi’s eyes wandering.  
“ _Why_?” this time Yuzu’s the one wrinkled his eyebrows.  
He shrugs, “I don’t know, let’s say maybe Spanish is spoken there?”  
  
Then a small thud hits Javi in the shoulder.  
He laughs because it wasn’t hurt him at all, even though Yuzu tried to hit him with all his might. “You have to come with a better excuse since I am coming with you,” Yuzu pinched the flesh that he could grab on Javier’s waist. “Alright,”—still no pain, “I wanted you to see how beautiful they are. Machu Picchu, amazing. The beach is gorgeous, and you, you could get enough vitamin D from the sun,” Javi lovingly caresses his cheek.  
  
“…. And get skin cancer, or at least sunburn,” said Yuzu coldly responds.  
“Oh it would be great if this skin could get some colors—even though you’re beautiful this way,”  
“Fine. We’re leaving in July?”  
“No, August would be great. Besides, you have season’s peak in July right?”  
“Oh, I wish I could escape from that _hell_ ,” he leans half of his body towards Javier.  
  
“After you finish, let us go, right?”  
Yuzu gave a small nod, before a big yawn he got there.  
“Now, now, let’s us sleep first,” Javi pull the sheet on their knees up to their body.  
  
“Do you need _me_ to wake you up?” Yuzu asks before he finally merged his head to the pillow.  
“Nah, I am fine. I’ll go later than you,”  
  
“ _Kay_ ’, good night,”


	3. The Last

“ _Havi_ , hey,” Yuzu sits on the side of the bed, while Javier still sleeps on the other side.  
He whispered to wake the man up. But Javi looks peaceful in his slumber, so, he gave up to let Javier knows that he’s leaving.  
  
“ _Alright_ , I am leaving. See you this evening,” he kissed the man on his forehead and then closed the door.

Today's feels a little bit different. Suddenly it's like there is a big hole--uncovered hole inside his heart in the moment he closes the door and stepping outside the apartment. It's like he should get back inside, and cancelling the work today. But it felt too ridiculous to do that. He doesn't know the right excuse to take leave today. 

"Bye, Javi," 

\--

It was a peaceful morning when Javi opens his eyes. Nothing heard of, because nobody's there. It's just the sound of the wind, blowing trough the curtain, leaving him alone in the room without no one else but him. 

Yuzuru _has_ leaving. 

He didn't wake up when that younger man left, or at least saying wishing him a good day by a kiss on his forehead and send him off in front of the door. By just remembering that,  suddenly he felt empty. It's not the first day he woke up without Yuzuru. But the emptiness inside his chest, something strange grows inside. He lets out a big sigh. What would it be this day. He needs to see him as soon as possible.

\---

Yuzuru feels restless. He felt that today, the time flows slowly. He kept checking his clock to make sure it's time to go home, but the hands of the clock seems doesn't move faster. When it was time to lunch, he chose to spend it outside--not like before; having lunch on his desk by doing some works. He needs to go out to get some fresh air. Something strange today. Javier didn't text him at all although it's already noon and he should be in this building by now--even tough they wouldn't seeing each other because their department's work is so different; makes them busy all day. 

Looking up to the sky, he felt something hardening inside his heart. It's strange. Something wrong. He decide to ended his break early just to go back to his office. Suddenly he felt uneasy. 

"Call the paramedics, sent them to the perimeter! How's the Alpha team? Any reports?!"

He finds the office suddenly becomes busy. Everyone is moving, and the papers all over the places. Calls by phone everywhere, and there's no one seems having free time. 

"What happened?" he approaches the guy who always works beside him.   
"The terrorist which the case we're working on, they're attacking us, near the shopping district. We're sending more Evacuation Team to the area,"   
  
" _WHAT_??"

He takes no more seconds to sits on his desk and began checking the situations. There's attack. It began almost 15 minutes ago. The terrorist that the case is the one he's working on, having one building as their fortress by making the whole building as their hostage. There's polices who have been standing by since the report of the attack came, but they're need more evacuation team because there are too many hostages there to be evacuating somewhere. 

"Yuzuru, coordinate with the police on the field, give me the details,"

Putting on his communication device, he contacted the police on the field. His mind couldn't stop wishing that Javier is somewhere he could reach because He hasn't hear anything from that man since this morning. 

_".... terror that happening in the heart of Ginza, taken the building's visitors into hostage,..."_

The sounds of the news from television makes his heart's beating so fast. He has to divided his focus into two; giving the field team coordination and receiving details so the headquarter could decided what they would do next, and thinking about Javi that still no where to be reach. 

 _"Please don't do anything stupid,"_  he keep chanting those words inside his mind. 

"Send the snipers to the north building, aim the shooters. They're on 4th floor," Yuzuru giving them coordination by watching the monitors across his desk. "Avert their attentions, so special combat force could break in the building, and the evacuation teams could save the hostages," 

All the coordination he received, he gave, he analyzed, still all of the worst things would be happened on the field. Not on his office nor his desk. By doing his work, he kept praying that today's ended well, and this attack could be taken down, he comes home peacefully, finding Javier sleeps on the couch without changing his uniforms. That's all he wished from the most of his heart. 

 _"One man down!"_ he heard the voice from his device. The beats of his heart couldn't slowing any longer. The blood runs trough all over his veins, suffocate, so hard to breathing, " _we need evac team right now!_ "

It was from the special force. 

From the computer in front of him, he turns to the monitor that shows the area outside the building. It seems the terrorist shooting down the police from the upper building. The rest of the force team is retreating because the sudden attack could harm them, and the injured one still lays down. The officer's lying on the attacking area, making there's no one could save him in the mean time because it's too dangerous. It needs more protections to penetrate inside that open-area. 

" _He could be killed,..._ " Yuzuru murmurs to himself. 

"Yuzu," someone patted on his back. He look at the man behind him, "I need you to call the hospital, preparing the treatment for the hostages,—" 

Suddenly the rooms filled with screams. Startled, he turns his attentions to the monitor just to find someone approach the empty area  where the injured officer still laying down without any protection from the shooting area. He squints his eyes. Making sure the man who's getting on the area the officer is not Javier. 

"Yuzuru are you okay?" the man looks at his junior with worrying eyes.   
He panted. He doesn't know any longer where his attention going to. He grab the communications device that he put down on the desk.

"Who's the officers that came into that area???"   
" _It's evacuation team's officer, apparently,_ " the voice from across the device answered.   
"STOP HIM, it's too dangerous! Both could be killed! The snipers are making their way to taking down the 4th floor,"  
_"We can do nothing! We can't stop him!"_

_"Please don't be Javi, please don't be Javi, please..."_

Then a sound of gunshot heard both on the monitors and the device he's holding on. Hurting his ears, so he can't remember anything but the scream, and the following gunshots that heard after. Forces talking in the words he doesn't understand, and the chaos seems shutting him away. The silence he felt so intense in the office, filled with the joy of all officers. It seems the snipers had taken down the 4th floor terrorists and special force made their way into the building, and evacuating the hostages. But the relief has not yet felt by Yuzu.

_"Paramedics! Another officer has been shot!"_

There's a sudden fear that embodied his heart. The times frozen, as the tick of the clock is the only thing he hears by the fade of the sounds from the television. The last thing he remembers, he prays from all of his heart, and wishing it's not Javier. He's evacuating the hostages from the building. He's miles from harm. He kept believing that. 

_"...after 2 hours engaged shot, this terror had been taken down. Many of the hostages injured and took many life of police officers. The officer named—"_

Yuzuru turns his attention back to the television. He hoped they didn't confirmed Javier as the officer that his life has been taken. He prays, to every worst thing could be happened, it is not Javi. Every single harm that may happen to him, it's not his sweetheart that promised him a beautiful holiday to Peru. How could it be if it's Javi. He's not ready for his center of the universe taken from him.

_"Yuzuru... you might wanted to hear about this,"_

And for a moment, his world falls into a complete shut down. The silence, the sounds of siren, his breath, the beat of his heart, fading. One name that switch his veins off and sent him away from his rational mind. What he could remembers vaguely is, he had to be on his own right mind, to look for the right and the fastest way to the hospital. Whether he has to took the bus, or train. 

He has to run with the time, so the time couldn't run him out. In the end he rushed to the hospital on the other district by a taxi. He even didn't remember how much he paid for the ride. Some of police officers stand on guard in front of the hospital. He hopes one of them is Javier. But how much he  _begged_ for, even his knees couldn't stand any longer for running anymore, he couldn't find Javi one of those officers.

He found the emergency room. His heart, intuitions brought him there. He couldn't do anything but pray and stand still. Hoping all of these was just a dream. Nightmare. So he wakes up on the next morning, finding Javier making breakfast for them and humming his favorite lullaby with those off tunes.

The lights on the emergency has off, and a doctor comes out.

" _Havi_......"


	4. Fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would remember his laugh with his scrunching nose when I tickled him. He said the he would be dead if I kept tickling him, but actually it's me who'd be dead without those laughing voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Javi's thought of Yuzuru when he's heading to the hostile area.

The rushing sounds of the trains that passing by, brings the winds up to shove his hair all the way back. Station today kind of quiet. Not so many people there. Beside, the rush hour has been passed, and he decided to leave the apartment earlier before brunch time. He was too lazy to make him self a coffee though Yuzu has prepare the toast and some of side dish in case he would want to starting the day by eating rice.

But he didn't get the mood.

He wanted to eat outside, moreover come to the office earlier so he could see Yuzuru first. The restlessness that reside in his chest.   
The train has come, and he get on that. Although the scenery outside the windows are flowing, but things he kept seen are the pieces of his memories. Somehow, this feeling is keeping him from the reality, remembering those days they spent together, the nights they count, everything.

"Javi, thanks god you came here earlier," he just get into the locker room to get his things and getting addressed by one of his superior, "... I want you to get ready in five,"   
"But, I have to go upstairs first..."   
"... I am afraid it can't wait,"   
  
At least he wanted to text Yuzu first to let him know that he's been here already and he take the key with him. So Yuzu should see him first before getting back home. And top of that, he should know how much he misses him, and wanted to see him today...

"Javi,..." someone interrupted him in the middle of typing his text, "... get ready would you?"   
"Hey, would you care to explain what's happening?" he got distracted. The phone he's holding, he put it inside the locker.   
"It's them,... the one attacked city square last week, they got the shopping district 2 blocks from here,"

It's close. Too close. They must hurried by now.

"Let's head to the secured perimeter!"

The locker room emptied in one blink. Everyone's getting out heading to the department, report for duty. While Javi seems later than anyone else. He heads up last, by running a little bit fast caught up with everyone else. That's when a slender figure catch his sight. 

Following the walking person, he makes sure that it's Yuzuru. It was. That man walking towards the outside of this building. He wanted to catch him, but can't. Since the report should be done by now.

"Yuzu..."

\--

It was dead silence in the area that has been secured earlier by the police. "There isn't any contact been made, but they've got the building since about thirty minutes ago," he heard from someone who explains the situations to the team leader. The building they're taking seems so quiet. All the hostages captivated inside the building, waiting to be evacuated. "Here's the plan," a map spread in front of him, "... sniper would avert their attention first to the building, while special combat team enters after. We, should be ready after they've been taken down, and take the hostages outside, do not engaged but to defend,"

It's quite horrible. The only way out to evacuating is the front building's entrance which means, it's the open area, which means if they have not been taken down it's the area they could attack easily and harm both the team and the hostages. 

_"Send the snipers to the north building, aim the shooters. They're on 4th floor,"_

He heard that voice that came out from the ham radio nears him. He knows that voice, and whose that voice belongs to. He knows it. 

_"Avert their attentions, so special combat force could break in the building, and the evacuation teams could evacuate the hostages,"_

They are waiting in silence, while the snipers and special combat team make their move inside the building, they just could stand still there until it's safe enough to evacuate the hostages. 

_"Most of them getting away, they're planning to attack the HQ while all combat personnel's here. We need back up to stop them from getting away!"_

It's clearly coming from inside the building. "So this is their plan all along. To make everyone in HQ standing by here, while they're heading for it. We cannot let them!"

"Yuzu..."

He's in the building. _How if_... His fears floating on the surface of his mind all at once. 'What if' becomes thousand whilst he's thinking about to contain the battlefield just in this place. 

Suddenly the sound of gunshot heard. They're making move, engaging to the front liner police officers. One of them down in that open-area. 

"One man down! We need evac team right now!" 

The surroundings feels so tensed right now. Every one standing still on their feet once the shooting stops. The officer that had been hit... he still there. Laying unconsciously, breathing. He's still there. He's just about 8 meters in front of him as the front liner of evac troops. 

"Someone has to save him," he murmured to himself.   
"No, Javi, we'll wait orders until they said so,"  
"But he could be killed, in that open area? we'll never know when the next shoot will be,"   
  
"Snipers, take down the 4th building, we'll secure the front door for evac team,"   
 _"We can't avert their attention anymore, they're getting away!"_

That would be the cue for Javier stepping outside the barrier, closer to the injured officer then shielding him by his riot shield.   
It still didn't make any difference to the situation. So, he intended by throwing the smoke grenade to the upper building so he could evacuating the injured officer. 

"I'll make a move, I'll throw this smoke grenade to the upper building," he reports to the HT on his shoulder.   
"That'll avert their attention,"  
"So be prepared, brace on smoke,"

He throws the grenade trough a window on the upper floor. He didn't count that exactly about was it 4th floor or not. But he hoped he threw exactly on the forth floor. A small explosion sound heard, and it's combat team's turn to make their move, while he evacuating the officer. But it was another problem. He's been shot on the leg, made him unable to walk and helps him evacuating fast. Javier should look for another way.  

"I'll get us out of here—" that's when he felt his riot shield has been hit by some kind of shot. They're aiming at them. "I'll get you out of here," Suddenly the fragments of his memories come up again. Floating, so everywhere he sees are full of them. He remembers the night when he plans this vacation with Yuzuru. He said that the southern beach is always beautiful, and he really wanted to show him. Yuzu must be looked beautiful on those background. 

"I need back up here, while I distract their attention," he talks to the HT again before got out from the shield, "... to evac the injured officer," 

And the last scenery he saw where everyone were all over the area. The front liner officer engaging with the upper floor shooters, and the evac team was on their way to the building. And then everything was went black, a moment after he felt his limb was tore down. Bloods are all over his palm. 

That he knows, his biggest regret was when he didn't reach out for Yuzu when that man heading out from the building. 

_"...after 2 hours engaged shot, this terror had been taken down. Many of the hostages injured and took many life of police officers. The officer named—"_

-fin-


	5. Goodbye Words

"I remembered the morning I left you without goodbye, you still sleeping as I closed the door,"

A gloomy morning.  _Solemn_. Everyone stand in silence. Kills him with the mourning looks on their face. In front of him there's a box—coffin, that lies silently. A smiling face on a big photograph looking at him with that soft gaze.

A turmoil feelings, bubbling up inside his chest. Could be burst out in anytime. He held those feelings deep, so he can speak his words of honor properly until the end.

"As the course of the day, we spoke about this holiday you were excited about that you've never been to a faraway place  _before_ ," his voice choked as he remembered the sunny place Javier told him, " _Havi_ , I came home in that evening, with this extreme profound pain, the pain that made me closer as ever to anyone of your colleagues that also suffering silently, as I  _do_. Silently. As for me, I am suffering without hate,"

He remembered the night he had to open the door with the idea Javier is not there, or the idea Javi will come home later so he should cook first. Not one of those ideas. So he stood in front of the door silently, not with the words ' _I'm back_ ,' as per usual.

 

His shaking voice filled up his throat. The pain that creeps on him, his mind flees. Emptiness completely filled him.

"When I first got message saying that something had happened, on the terror attack that happened there, and that a policeman had died, a small voice told me it was you," even if he wants to, but the memories of the attacking day couldn't be erased from his mind. The chaos, all the fear, loss, his loss. His fear.

That day, he stood up in front of the body that just embraced him the night earlier. Now it was just laying there, covered, unloved. The overflowing tears, devastation. Even it was the memories he doesn't want to have, he's still remember every second of it. 

"... and brought me back to that generous and healing phrase: he wouldn't hate me no matter what 'you will not have my hate',"

If he could give up his life to end this pain, he would gladly willingly to do that. But what he could do now? even every drop of tears couldn't heal his loss.

 

"I don't feel hatred Javier, because it is not like you,"

"I just want to tell you that you will rest in my heart forever, I love you,"

 

-fin-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speech that Yuzuru said (and this story) insipired by the speech of the mourning Etienne Cardilles. 
> 
> Dedicated to:  
> Xavier Jugelé—a dutiful police officer that killed on the attack in Champs-Elysees in Paris.
> 
> Based on:  
> Etienne Cardiles—Xavier's partner's speech that had torn my heart. Even a beautiful love could end up tragically. 


End file.
